Tried by Fire

Refinement can be painful and ugly, but also beautiful and sweet. You may have heard the common facts that diamonds are created under pressure or that in the process of making gold, it must be heated to remove the impurities. We want to be refined or to become a better version of ourselves... until it happens. Then we want to escape the intensity, the pressure and the heat. But in the end, we are left with a product that is more beautiful and dense than we could have ever imagined. Here's an important note, if you're not prepared to experience the heat, don't pray for refinement.

You may have read my most recent post explaining my battle with depression and living alone for a season. If not, let me sum it up for you. During this time, I found it beyond difficult to recognise the hand of God. I couldn't understand what He was doing, nor why He was forcing me to withstand such a difficult experience (To be raw, I would have summed it up as 'torment'). I wanted so badly to escape the situation that I was in, but the end was nowhere in sight.

In my last post, I fought for freedom from my circumstances. As I mentioned, by writing I was actively prophesying my way out of that season and breaking the ties of depression. And, I am pleased to say that it worked and I am a living and breathing testimony to the power and mercy of God. Only a few weeks after publishing my last post, it was like the floodgates opened. I could see clearly again and God began speaking into the mysteries of the past season and revealing all that He had been doing, beginning with an eye-opening revelation.

The Revelation that Broke the Silence

On a long road trip, I was engrossed with C.S. Lewis' novel, 'Mere Christianity' (if you haven't read it, I highly recommend that you do!). I was approaching the end of the book and suddenly, one section stood out amongst the rest. It read:

"The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says 'Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked - the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you myself: my own will shall become yours.'" (p. 196-197, italics added).

Later in the book, Lewis continues to discuss the work of Christ within us, describing it as guiding us towards the goal of perfection (bear with me, I'm laying down the foundations).

That is why He warned people to 'count the cost' before becoming Christians. 'Make no mistake,' He says, 'if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect - until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.' ... The practical upshot is this. On the one hand, God's demand for perfection need not discourage you in the least in your present attempts to be good, or even in your present failures. Each time you fall He will pick you up again. And He knows perfectly that your own efforts are never going to bring you anywhere near perfection. On the other hand, you must realise from the outset that the goal towards which He is beginning to guide you is absolute perfection; and no power in the whole universe, except you yourself, can prevent Him from taking you to that goal. That is what you are in for. And it is very important to realise that. If we do not, then we are very likely to start pulling back and resisting Him after a certain point. I think that many of us, when Christ has enabled us to overcome one or two sins that were an obvious nuisance, are inclined to feel (though we do not put it into words) that we are now good enough. He has done all we wanted Him to do, and we should be obliged if He would now leave us alone. As we say 'I never expected to be a saint, I only wanted to be a decent ordinary chap.' And we imagine when we say this that we are being humble." (p. 204-205).

Before this season, I thought that I had grown into quite a decent and relatively mature Christian. I was tracking well in my faith, growing in my awareness of the spiritual realm and witnessing the outworkings of my relationship with God. My major sins and poor traits had been addressed - primarily my insecurities, need for approval and fear of rejection. I had endured difficulties and worked through these aspects with God and I believed that I had reached the end of my deepest refinement. Yet, that was naive of me to think. For God, this wasn't perfection. I may have been a good, faithful Christian, but in many ways, I still lived by my flesh (flesh being my carnal desires, fears and habits). Little did I know that lurking under the surface were ugly beasts that would only rise to the surface in intense heat.

"In the same way, the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently, the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul." (p. 192).

Turning Up the Heat

I have never considered myself an angry or selfish person. I thought by nature that I was kind, patient and loving. However, 'by nature' can be a very deceiving idea. By nature, we are far from kind, patient and loving. Sure, our temperament plays a large role and can help us to display these attributes. But ultimately, by nature, - and I apologise for the frankness - we are sinful and selfish, caring only for ourselves.

"Don't assume you're not an angry person...We have heard people countless times say something like "I'm not angry; I'm just frustrated." Or "irritated." Or "annoyed." While common English usage does indeed reserve the word anger for more intense situations than words like frustrated connote, do not be deceived: frustration, irritation and annoyance are anger. They just haven't fully blossomed yet. So do not draw a line in your mind between frustration and anger! Frustration is anger, and it inevitably becomes anger that rightly bears the name if left unchecked." (Untangling Emotions, Groves & Smith, p. 175)

God wanted to show me this; that what I considered 'innocent' was actually what He considered wicked. My tendency to be kind and loving was, for the most part, genuine, however was also fuelled by my own desires to be accepted, loved and needed, and to receive what I wanted. Moreover, the dependence and trust that I believed I placed in God, had, in reality, been placed in other people (to some extent).

I never thought I was capable of anger, but I was capable of it in its milder forms. When I began living alone, the beast began to stir. I was not receiving what I wanted, or needed, and I was not satisfied with God alone. Because of this, I grew bitter and angry towards my situation and, as Lewis mentioned, I began pulling back and resisting God. I became highly jealous, critical and resentful of my friends and withdrew myself from the world around me, which influenced me to enter a depressive episode. I didn't want to change or be refined and the more I fought, the uglier I became. Eventually, making it easier to recognise just how imperfect I am.

"When anger can't find an outlet...that anger naturally ferments into bitterness, depression and shame." (Untangling Emotions, Groves & Smith, p. 173).

I resented myself and the way I was acting, but my flesh felt so strong - and, in the moment, the fight felt great! Why? Because I was acting in a way that was easy; by not resisting my flesh but giving into the anger that I was experiencing. Though, this made me despise myself even more. After acting by my flesh (displaying anger, resentment and bitterness), I felt regret and guilt for my actions and responses and wondered why it was so hard for me to be 'good' and 'Godly'.

Finally, as I read this book, I recognised why God had allowed me to endure such difficult circumstances. God wanted my whole self. He wanted to dig deeper and uncover all that was not pleasing to Him. He wanted to reveal to me the parts of myself that I had not known that I possessed (whether you believe it or not, everyone is capable of anger). He wanted me to realise, yet again, that it is impossible to fight our flesh alone - we need His Holy Spirit! He wanted to increase the heat to be able to remove the impurities and progress me towards perfection.

"Thank you, Jesus" I finally said, not expecting those words to come out of my mouth after such an intense season.

Though living alone was hard, I wouldn't have realised what I was capable of unless I was placed in that position. I wouldn't have been given the opportunity to grow and become more like Jesus, or die to my flesh (which I am still working on).

The End of a Season

Only a few days ago, an opportunity had come across my path to move in with a housemate again. I was torn, as I didn't know whether to stay or to move. I was stressed about finances and unsure of whether God would provide. Truth is, I didn't trust Him.

I sat on the balcony and watched as the breeze blew gently through the gum trees. Tears ran down my face as I battled with yet another overwhelming decision, and change. My boyfriend turned towards me, "Ask God what to do," he said.

I shook my head, "I don't know what He's saying," I replied. I had already asked God what to do, and each time had heard Him say "Stay."

For some reason, I was content with staying, though it still had its challenges. My family and friends were encouraging me to take the opportunity, as they had witnessed the toll living on my own had taken on my mental health. So why was God saying to 'stay'?

My boyfriend, in his gentle tone, asked "Do you want me to ask Him for you?" (Yep, talking to God is that easy!) I nodded in response before waiting anxiously in silence. As I waited, I heard a small, still voice whisper "Take the leap" - something He had said before when I faced a tough decision. Back then, it was a call to trust Him to catch me in the unknown.

He opened his eyes and I turned to look at him. He stared into the distance, thinking intently. "He wants you to answer one question," he started, "do you trust Him?"

I nodded my head, yet again, "Of course I trust Him!" I said, half convincing myself.

"Good," Samuel smiled.

Suddenly, a wave of relief washed over me that was so powerful that I erupted into a mixture of tears and uncontrollable laughter. I wanted to scream and shout "It's over! I made it!"(But the words just escaped my lips in between awkward sobs). The end of the season had come and I could feel the presence of God so near again.

A new revelation was clear to me - I understood why Jesus had shouted "It is finished" as He hung, almost lifeless, with no energy left within him, upon the cross. After enduring so much pain and suffering during the trial, the battle had been won and death had been conquered. How could you not shout in triumph?

In my life, that was exactly what had happened. The battle was over and the victory had been won, not by me but by Jesus. In fact, I hadn't done a thing - except cry and get angry and complain (but He loves us nevertheless).

I felt joy rise within me again, and a weight, that I didn't know I was carrying, lift off of my chest. The air was so much lighter, that I could breathe more easily. I hadn't realised that the burdens of the past season had been suffocating me!

And what was left was astounding. Tears rose within my boyfriend's eyes (something that doesn't happen too often), "This is so special to watch. I remember now," he said, "you're the woman I fell in love with...this woman. I can feel the atmosphere changing, can you?"

I most certainly could, it was the moment when the chains completely broke and the enemy was trampled beneath my feet - another victory for the Kingdom. I had reached the climax of the intense heat and now it was time to scrape off the impurities.

Later, Samuel told me that as he asked God what I should do, God instructed him to ask whether I trusted Him, mentioning that if my response was "no" then I was to "stay" and if it was "yes," I was free to move. All along, it was a matter of trust and that was the last thing that God wanted me to learn in this zone of refinement.

When I returned home that night, to my humble studio apartment, I cried. Though, this time it was tears of gratitude. I was grateful for the season that had passed. I was grateful that Jesus had carried me through, even though I didn't feel it in the midst of it. I was grateful that I was becoming more of a new creation and developing more into the child that God had created me to be. I was grateful that He had shown me my nasty imperfections (which haven't been removed yet, we're still working on it) so that I could address them and recognise them if and when they arise in the future. I was grateful for the refinement.

”In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.“

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭1‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

For When You Can't See The End

In the middle of the refinement, I felt as though I was being tormented. In my pain, I mustered up the courage to sing this song. The lyrics became a declaration of what God would do - that is, rescue me and lead me out of the difficulty. And, He did exactly that. Now, when I listen back to this song, I see the work of God and how He stepped into my Egypt, took me by the hand and marched me out in freedom into the promised land (so to speak).

So, if you're in the middle of a difficult season, sing, shout, declare!