the sea(son) of singleness

Everyone progresses through various seasons, entering and exiting at different times. Sometimes we go through them together, and sometimes apart. But what happens when you are the last left in a season? What happens when you are left alone, whilst others walk ahead? I know for me, it can feel like a sea, but I’m drowning.

A stabbing pain shoots straight through my chest - a discomfort that mimics a knife, plunging deeply between my lungs and piercing the skin on my back. It’s as though an abhorrent creature stands controlling the weapon. The cool metal slides back through my sensitive flesh. I draw in a shallow breath whilst I have the chance. The pain hits again – this time causing me to hunch over in a foetal position, holding my fragile body as I cry out like a newborn in distress. Physically, I am defenceless. But mentally, I hold onto the knowledge that I am safe, comforted and protected by my Father. The blade begins to twist – slowly – in an attempt that I will surrender. The despicable creature snickers, relishing in its perceived control and power. It enjoys the torment, trying to dig a little deeper each time.

“I’ve experienced these pains before.” I whimper to my friends, who are watching on in the dim light.

They didn’t have eyes to see the creature, nor what it was inflicting upon me. They merely saw my physical response, observing with confusion and helplessness. Only I could recognise this demon, and I knew what it had come for.

“It’s linked to anxiety. But I don’t know what I am anxious about – I’m genuinely fine.”

Though my body bows down, my Spirit remains lifted high. My friends join me on the cold, dusty ground, like two angels sent from above. They lay their hands on my crippled body, next to those of my unseen Father. Soon, there was no room for the ghastly creature. With no target, it cannot fulfil its job, so it flees in fear, leaving the weapon in place. Not to mention, it isn’t interested in the words being spoken with heads bowed, and hearts lifted high. Though my flesh is weak and torn apart, my Spirit is eternal, unable to be destroyed by the weapon of this enemy. My Father draws the knife from my chest, and all disfigurement is healed. He breathes for me, slowly and deeply, until He knows I am capable on my own.

***

Heart Ache

Only a few nights ago, I was away at a church camp. It was the very first night, and I had just made my way back to my cabin with my best friend and her boyfriend. We made a cup of tea during the lull of the evening whilst the other families joined together for dinner.

Earlier in the afternoon, I began experiencing mild chest pains. At first, they felt like indigestion or heartburn. But soon enough, I knew that they were much more. I began experiencing them quite severely in my late years of high school. They would come on quickly, without any warning signs, and the pain would rapidly intensify. I attended emergency doctor’s appointments, resulting in numerous tests and scans. Yet, no answers. My heart was great. My lungs were healthy. So, why the sudden pains in my chest?

Eventually, they would recede, only returning occasionally. However, when they did show up, I remained confused about the cause. It wasn’t until years later, during a discussion with a friend, that I discovered the reason. She shared the same experience as me. Her description of the pain was identical, and she too was a medical mystery. However, during a visit to the psychologist she learned that these pains were linked to something deeper; Anxiety.

When an individual is anxious, the brain and body initiate an immediate stress response. The body may tighten and grow tense, or breathing may become shallower. As anxiety presents itself differently, detecting symptoms is challenging – hence, why most doctors couldn’t find the problem. They were looking at it from the wrong angle.

Knowing the cause made it easier for me to recognise the pain and identify the root. So, why was I anxious at church camp?

Couples.

Couples everywhere I looked.

My best friend questioned whether that was the cause, but I quickly denied it. “I’m doing great.” declared ‘Miss Independent, I don’t need no man over here’. Whilst this was true, I was generally fantastic and felt content, confident and comfortable, subconsciously, I was anxious.

Navigating the Transition

Only a few months previous to this, my best friend entered into a relationship. It had been brewing for about six months, which meant that I gained additional time to adjust to the transition. When they became official, her time grew increasingly occupied, and she struggled to find the balance between various relationships and general life responsibilities. Therefore, I began spending more time alone or as a third-wheel. Whilst this was okay for a brief amount of time, I understood that it was unhealthy for me to be so heavily involved in their relationship, as they required quality time to develop a firm foundation. She also deserved the freedom to delight in the new experience without the burden of ‘babysitting’. Though I craved her time and attention, it was self-seeking to expect the equal amount of relational investment as I had received previously. However, spending excessive time in my own company wasn’t of any benefit either, as I risked emotionally spiralling from negative thought patterns and discontent.

As a solution to this problem, I naturally gravitated towards friends that remained in the same season of life as me – the season of singleness. Together, we began adventuring and making the most of our time. Whether it be day trips, beach days, group activities or road trips, we were constantly on the go and planning something new. Life was exciting and fun. I became vicariously happy for my friend’s newfound relationship, which improved our friendship dynamic, as I stopped requesting more than she could give. The way I was living made me love being single. I was incredibly content and highly opposed to a change of season.

Unfortunately, this is not what was in store. Before I knew it, these single friends began forming relationships - some with each other! Leaving me to fend for myself once again.

***

I wander the holiday park like a lost puppy, searching for a single friend. I make my way down the narrow, shadowy streets. “Where is everyone?” I mutter to myself. Seeking an answer, I peer into the cookie-cutter cabins lining the road, searching left to right and right to left. Each lounge room appears spot-lit, illuminating the couples gathered inside. A sentimental feeling overcomes me, like I am on a television set catching a glimpse of the multiple narratives being written.

Without thinking, I had removed myself from the room full of couples in the way of protecting my heart. Subconsciously, if I distance myself, I won’t compare, allow jealousy to fester or sit in this season, dissatisfied. Instead, I can learn to be truly alone and content, with Jesus.

***

Whilst I was content, all my close friends were now at an arm’s length. Those that I could relate to and confide in were now in a different season with alternate experiences. They had moved on from doing life with me to doing life with a significant other. It seemed like everyone was coupled up; but where was my match? Even at family events, the invitation of partners allowed a greater opportunity for family members to either question my relationship status or remind me of the “spare spot at the table again this year.” Thus, leaving me with numerous questions and doubts, yet again. Where do I fit in? Have I been left behind? Is a relationship in God’s plan for me? Am I not ‘right’ with God? Am I actually worthy of being loved? Was God withholding this from me? Why is it so easy for others, but never for me?

When I arrived home from church camp to an empty house, these questions were at the forefront of my mind. I broke down in tears; being single amongst so many couples was incredibly hard. But, why? Why did it affect me so heavily?

As an extrovert, I require the company of other people to provide me with energy. I have always been surrounded by others, consistently having a friend to turn to who would be fully invested in me. However, what happens when there is no friend to turn to? Where do we gain our energy? Who do we talk to? Who will be fully invested and provide us with the fulfilment we need?

Once a relationship reduced my best friend’s capacity to invest in me, I instantly sought out other friends. I found others to occupy and distract me, inhibiting me from facing these questions and exploring the thoughts and emotions attached. But now, the time had come. When I had nothing else to do but to sit and ponder.

A Heavenly Friend

My anxiety was a sign. A signal that the enemy was attempting to instil fear into my life. I worried that my friendships would change and that no one would have time for me. However, this thought was not irrational, as this did happen – to some extent.

When I had no earthly friends with the capacity to meet my needs, I had no other place to turn but to Heaven. Here I found my Heavenly friend, Jesus, who showed me full attention and offered constant company and a listening ear. My fear and doubts would be relieved, and I found that time alone, with God, replenished my energy.

To my surprise, I had grown a lot more introverted in this season. This change would typically influence increased worry; however, I was content with my newly developed meekness. When attending social events or gatherings, I would be satisfied sitting alone, observing, or listening. My social capacity had decreased, influencing me to leave early without fear of missing out! I frequently desired more time in the secret place with my Heavenly friend.

Though it sounds incredibly unfortunate and sad, potentially forming judgements that I was ‘anti-social’ or the question of “why doesn’t she just find some new friends?”. The shift in my composure became a blessing, allowing new growth and revelation.

A few months ago, I met with a friend and mentor. This was when I had turned to my group of single friends and was distracting myself from my true thoughts and emotions. Through being preoccupied, I felt incredibly secure and fulfilled being alone. However, she saw beyond this and spoke into the season laying ahead. At the time, what she said seemed ridiculous to me, but I can clearly recognise God’s voice as I reflect upon this intervention.

20.01.2022

“She feels like I’m “coming around the mountain again”. That I still have things to address in the secret place. She said she really feels that God wants to really talk to me this year. To truly make Him my everything, not just say it. To remove the ‘good Christian’ persona or perception that I portray to others and just be Ange. She said she really feels that my faith will be stretched by resting. That I’m always going/striving and by resting in the secret place I can truly understand the WHY behind things. WHY do I dress a certain way? WHY do I say what I say? … WHY do I do everything. She thinks I’m not ready for a boyfriend either. Which hurt, as I thought otherwise. I really thought I was victorious and in a good place. I’m scared of falling behind.”

Through turning to other people, I was never entirely alone. I was still leaning on others for fulfilment. God wanted to address my dependency on friends to allow me to experience the fulness of His security and comfort. I relied on others and claimed that “God was my everything”. But He wasn’t; other people were. I would strive to gain attention among a social group by being incredibly talkative and enthusiastic. Although, what underlined this behaviour was impression tactics and a desire to be accepted, liked and involved. My behaviour and thought patterns were not a good foundation for a boyfriend. If God were to open that door prematurely, it would merely shift my reliance onto another person – which is a foundation for chaos.

God did not make the time I spent alone unbearable and uncomfortable. Instead, He was kind and gentle. The meekness that developed was a spiritual change fostered by God to make this season easier for me to navigate. This change was an act of God ‘levelling the mountains’ and making a way. My quiet nature entailed not seeking to be the centre of attention or attempting to prove myself. Instead, it enabled me to establish social boundaries and rhythms of rest to guard my heart, remove myself from situations that may cause jealousy and pain or recognise when others require time alone. Moreover, I spent additional time in the secret place, laying down foundations and growing a deep reliance on God, preparing me for future relationships. A momentary shift from extrovert to introvert meant I wasn’t forced to endure the season, but instead, I developed a voluntary submission and desire to see and hear God’s plan.

Though I still don’t know when ‘my time will come’ or have any close, single friends left, I am not nervous about being alone. I am in preparation. He is strengthening me by growing deep roots that will withstand storms and produce good fruit. He may be presently withholding promises from me or not disclosing any details, but I will discover and understand the timing of His plans in the right season. And, in the meantime – I am satisfied.

***

I stand on the shore, under the moonlit sky. The water surface glistens like a thousand crystals reflecting a beam of sunlight. The water laps my knees, calling me to come deeper. Friends run past me, on either side, diving into the depths where a partner meets them. I watch as they play in the depths beyond the waves, like pairs of dolphins laughing and delighting in the novelty of the cool water. I wonder what it is like – to wade beyond the waves.

“Hey! Over here!” I signal frantically. But their eyes are set on each other and lack vision beyond the turning seas.

I look behind to a line of palms along the sandy shore. No one is left standing or waiting. I desire to journey deeper, but my feet only sink further into the sand, keeping me in place. The depths appear simultaneously exciting and terrifying, making the shallows all the more unsatisfying.

“I want to go deeper. Let me go deeper.” I whimper through the struggle to unbury my feet.

The breeze whispers into my ear, “Be still and know”, it reassures. His voice is gentle and soothing, but my flesh burns to feel the cool of the dark sea.

“Know what?” I argue. “When can I go? Why can’t I go?”.

“You’ll drown. First, you must learn to swim.” He declares.

I allow the waves to rush over my body. My feet sink deeper, securing me in place and keeping me safe. I remain still, unable to be thrown around by the startling and unexpected rolling water. My legs begin to strengthen, and I learn to listen to the salty sounds, recognising the sound of the building water to hold my breath in preparation. My body knows not to flinch when a cool drop lands upon my skin; instead, it relaxes in comfort. A smile washes over my face. I enjoy the shallows; I am secure, safe, prepared and strengthened.

The sand washes away beneath my feet. “Know that I am God”, He continues. I dive beneath the water, making my way to explore the depths. Every stroke I take is filled with strength - I won’t drown, I won’t need rescuing and I most certainly, won’t drag another soul under the water with me.