Slipping Through My Fingertips

My Experience with the D-Word

As the darkness envelopes me, I realise the loneliness of the night. Suddenly, I am alone...confused...lost. What was once seen is now concealed. All of my hope, joy, and contentment now lie under thick layers of darkness. I fumble around, searching for the light, prodding to find an ounce of familiarity - yet I find nothing. Where is the light? Why is the night so dark? How did it get so dark; so suddenly? Would somebody please show me the light?

If a few years ago, you told me that someday I would battle with the dreaded d-word I would tell you that you're being ridiculous. "How could I - someone so joyous and social - ever be depressed?" I would probably say. Never in a million years did I ever think that I would face depression, yet I did...and I am. So, here's how it all happened (apologies, it's messy and may contain some sensitive content).

Where It All Began

Almost three years ago, I embarked on a journey of living with my best friend and sister; and soon after, another one of my close friends. I would describe these few years as the greatest season of my life. We shared dinner, watched endless chick flix and went on late-night ice cream runs, and my best friend and I would do literally everything together. We were so close that others would say we were "attached at the hip". She and I are kindred spirits. Our friendship is a gift from God, intended to be powerful and one-of-a-kind. Our relationship has always been full of fun and excitement: spontaneous beach days, a Sunday pancake ritual, sunrise walks, intimate prayer times, worship sessions, weekends away and picnics in the park. Life is never dull when we are together.

Our household was not a buzzing social house, as many university students' homes are. Instead, it was a safe, comforting and grounding home where our relationships were deep and consistently supportive. Everything was shared; food, bills and hearts.

For me, life growing up was inconsistent. I constantly moved between houses, transferring from mum's to dad's. My friendships remained in flux, and the love that I received often felt like it needed to be earned. But, when I lived with these girls and developed my relationship with my best friend, life finally felt consistent. I could breathe and relax - positioned in one spot - knowing I wouldn't have to move every week or work so tirelessly to earn the love of another.

For the first time, I was completely satisfied with my life. I felt safe and valued and was abounding with joy. I never wanted to let go of this season and move forward. No, I wanted to stay there forever. But God had other plans, soon leading me into my first experience with profound grief, depression and a loneliness that felt darker than the night.

Within the year 2022, all three of my housemates got engaged, setting their wedding dates for the following year. What was worse is that all of their weddings were planned to occur within the span of three months: April, May and June. At that stage, I was without a boyfriend and unsure of what the following year would look like for me. All I knew was that a sudden change was approaching and that time would not stop or slow, no matter how much I hoped and prayed!

The ecstasy of the girls highly contrasted with my sorrow. They were excited about the change as they would begin their life with their beloved partners. As for me, I was excited for them but struggled to show my support as I feared that I would be left alone, neglected and forgotten (which made me feel like the worst friend ever!). I wanted to be happy, but I knew that my life would be in flux again, and I would lose that sense of consistency that had been grounding me during these years.

When The Ground Was Pulled Out From Underneath Me

Soon enough, April came around, much faster than I had anticipated, and with that, moving day!

On the evening of the 21st of April, I sat in our house alone. I peered across the empty loungeroom - piles of junk were scattered across the floor, ready to be moved. I reminisced on the first night we received the keys to the house. My best friend and I slept on a mattress in the middle of the empty living room. It was so quiet; until we lay our heads down and were introduced to the obnoxious frogs outside.

"Oh gosh, how are we going to get used to this?" We both said, chuckling to each other. Luckily, we did adjust to their loathsome sounds.

The last night was just as quiet as the first, though now, I sat independently. Tears flooded my eyes, and I shook with grief and reluctance to the upcoming change. My sorrow smudged the ink, as I began to write in my journal:

"New beginnings. They're normally exciting, but in this one, I can only focus on the ending of a chapter, possibly even the closing of a book. As I sit here, weeping, I stare across the empty loungeroom - with boxes lining the walls, furniture spread in odd spots and random piles of miscellaneous op shop items - and I mourn. I mourn the sweet memories. I mourn the love, laughter and comfort. I remember (my best friend) comforting me after finding me weeping on the bathroom floor. I remember the first night in this home - we laid on the floor of this very loungeroom, and after getting ice cream, we fell asleep to the obnoxiously loud croaking frogs. I recall the spontaneous food runs, the movie nights, the late-night prayer sessions on one of our beds, our coming and going together and our pancake Sundays. All of these memories are so precious. They comprise the most treasured chapter of my life. A chapter where we fell in love with Jesus, grew independent, found the loves of our lives, and SO much more. It has been a CONSTANT season, for once in my life. Who is going to find me in the middle of the night, when I'm afraid and in need? Who will wake me up in the morning, share a coffee with me or even enjoy my pancakes?"

In my deep sadness, all I desired was to be held and to have someone understand my pain. But, as I called out to the other girls and received no response, I caught a deeper glimpse into the challenges I would face in the following season.

The 23rd of April, 2023, carried pivotal change and loss. As we stood on the road in front of our home, my best friend and I looked across the bright orange sunset to catch a small glimpse of the lake in the distance. When praying for our home, we had gone out on a limb and asked God for lake views. And well, He had squeezed them in, meeting our every desire. I held my best friend close, not wanting to let go because I knew that as soon as I walked away, there was no going back. Our partners pulled us away, and with tears rushing down our cheeks, we reluctantly climbed into separate cars and drove off. At that moment, I was beyond grateful for God's timing of my boyfriend, Samuel. I would have been crushed if I didn't have him in that moment and had to of driven away by myself.

My new home was a small loft above my sister's in-laws' house - a last resort after numerous closed doors. It was secluded, quaint and quiet. That night, I plodded around and organised a few things. However, as I kept my hands busy, I noticed the peaceful - yet alarming - stillness. I felt the loneliness begin to seep in, and within a few short hours - although I knew God was with me - I felt alone, fearful and abandoned. My deepest fear had suddenly become my reality.

You see, I had gone from being surrounded by a community with shared responsibility and eased burdens, to being completely isolated and solely responsible for myself - including providing for bills, food and other expenses, which were previously shared. Quickly, I had to cut out many activities and 'indulgences' that I had enjoyed doing. Groceries became minimal, and meals became repetitive and bland. I simply couldn't afford it. I began spending more time in my own company than ever before - studying, walking, eating, sleeping, going to work, grabbing coffee...and I quickly began to hate it.

14. 5. 23

"I HATE BEING ALONE. I don't want to spend time, here, in this loft alone. It simply reminds me of all of the people that have left me. All the lack that I have. I know God is here, but I don't understand how Jesus can be my comfort."

Let's Pause Before We Continue

For so long, I would write up to this point in this post and shut my laptop. I felt that I couldn't write about this experience without sounding like I was winging or complaining. I thought that my feelings were invalid and that people would think "Surely, she should be over this by now". This didn't only occur within writing but in daily life and social circles too. For months, I had continued to battle with big emotions. I would cry or appear teary most days and my struggles were all I talked about. My dull, sorrowful moods became draining to other people - even my best friend - and others found it difficult to be around me. I felt like a burden. I felt unseen, unsupported, and uncared for and I didn't know where to turn. I began to isolate myself and shove down my problems because I just couldn't talk about them, to anyone. But, that is why I write - to be real and vulnerable. I write to share the difficulties, the mess and the big emotions. I write because it provides me with clarity and hope!

To Make Matters Worse

I despised being alone. I was struggling, and no one truly understood. Most weren't even aware! But, on the 16th of June, the enemy decided to make matters worse.

For about a week, I had woken up consistently at exactly three in the morning. One night, I arrived home with a sense of discernment that evil was lurking. As I went to sleep that night, I woke up at precisely three in the morning to a physical spiritual attack, where I was paralysed, unable to speak, and crushed under the weight of the hands of a demon. I tried declaring the name of Jesus, but my mouth could not move. I persisted and fought with all my might until I could finally say, "In Jesus' mighty name". When the name escaped my lips, the pressure lifted, and movement was restored to my body. My sleep cycle even voice-recorded the whole thing! After it happened, I was fearful to go back to sleep. I had no one to turn to, no one to hold me or pray for me. Instead, I had to rely on God and face my fears alone.

For the following week, I dreaded the moment I had to return home from my boyfriend's house. If he even suggested it was time to leave, I would cry for hours. I did not want to return home where I felt lonely...and now, unsafe!

And it was not helpful when others told me to just "trust in God" or to "rely on Him", because, honestly, I battled with the thoughts of why God would let that happen to me, especially when I was at my most vulnerable. And, of course, I know He didn't cause it, and that it is all the enemy's work. But, the fear shook me, and I felt like I had to push it deep down inside and pretend that it wasn't terrifying and faith-shaking.

I didn't know where I belonged anymore. I cried out to God, "Where are you?" But, time after time, I heard no response. My cries grew louder, and with them, a greater anger and frustration grew within me. "WHERE ARE YOU? WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME WHEN I NEED YOU THE MOST? WHY WOULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME?"

I struggled to understand why God was allowing me to go through this season when every single moment I dreaded it. I wanted to go forward...go back...go anywhere but where I was. I knew deep down that God wanted me to be content, that He wanted to show me how He was the comforter. I knew that He wanted to strip me of the fear of being alone and lead me to a place where I could rest in His presence and be completely satisfied. But, it felt too hard to reach that point. Every second of every minute, I HATED my circumstance. All I desired was to feel compassion from the people around me. Even the One who is, supposedly, full of compassion seemed to show me none.

Whenever I thought the end was in sight, it would keep stretching on. It felt so unfair. Why did everyone else seem to get the easy road? Why couldn't God have refined me in an easier, much less painful way? My heart began to grow bitter, resentful and begrudging...to God, to people and the world around me. From here, I turned further inward - and not in a good way.

The Moment I Realised...

One night, I sat at a Christmas party and felt anxiety rising within me. As everyone spoke of buying homes, beginning families, getting married etc., I couldn't help but feel left behind. I didn't know how to contribute to any conversation or how to act around people. Suddenly, it dawned on me - I had lost myself. I quickly approached my boyfriend, signalling that I needed to leave - quick fast - before I would burst into tears. I hugged my friends goodbye and with each one felt the emotions rising, like a volcano ready to erupt. "Are you alright?" they asked, attempting to look me in the eye. Head down, I avoided eye contact as my eyes blurred. No one knew how much I had been breaking inside. I couldn't allow anyone to see how I felt, and I most certainly couldn't let my sadness ruin the fun! I swiftly left and climbed into the car, erupting into deep sobs. I didn't know who I was anymore. I had reached the end of myself.

What were the telltale signs? Well...

• I didn't want to go to any social events, and if I did, I would leave early or isolate myself in a corner. Every week, I rushed out of the church hall, dodging any social interaction and any unwanted questions.

• I stopped doing the things I knew I loved - walking, immersing myself in nature, writing, dancing.

• Others told me that I smiled less and constantly looked unhappy and I struggled to do many things that brought joy; like singing.

• Getting out of bed felt difficult.

• I was always tired and even minimal tasks felt like an effort.

• I preferred to just sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing than go adventuring and exploring.

• I had issues with my sleep, and couldn't get through a night without tossing and turning and waking up frequently.

• I began to be plagued with frequent suicidal thoughts, thinking that it would be easier if I weren't on the earth and ideating that Jesus would come and collect me.

• I felt more irritated than usual, becoming agitated at other people - especially if they were cheerful!

• Most of all, I felt constantly sad.

The next day, I caught up with my friend - who happens to be studying psychology - and amongst many tears, I shared all that I had noticed.

"And I feel like there is no escape. I have nowhere else to go. I'm trapped and I HATE it! It's been going on for 9 months now!" I exclaimed in frustration and anger, sobbing into my hands.

"Ange, everything that you're explaining - and I don't want to scare you - but it sounds like..."

"Depression. I know," I said before she could finish her sentence. "I have thought it for a while but haven't felt that it was valid enough."

"Does that scare you?" She asked, aware of the effect that piece of knowledge might have on someone.

"No, not at all. It's relieving to know that my feelings are valid."

"Do you think that you need to see a psychologist?"

I nodded in agreement and cried some more. "But, I'm scared."

"Would you like me to organise it for you?" She asked.

Finally, it made sense why I was feeling this way, and it encouraged me to seek professional help and motivated me to get better. My friend holds the gift of truth. Before this conversation, I felt so defeated and lost that I didn't want to get better! But, afterwards - though the conversation hurt - she led me to recognise the truth and that truth set me free, allowing me to begin to heal.

John 8:31-32

31 So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples,

32 and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

At church just before I met up with my friend, I had an image that I felt the Lord dropped into my Spirit. Suddenly, I was plunged into a deep well, against my will. For a while, I tried everything I could to escape - climbed the walls, jumped, and searched for ways out. But soon - after many failed attempts - I lost all hope and took a position of defeat, lying hopelessly at the bottom. I felt that God was showing me that I really had lost all hope and that the only way out was to have someone rescue me. I like to believe that I'm a faith-filled woman. But, in this circumstance, the last thing I wanted was to 'pray my way out of it' or to have someone pray healing over me. All I needed was compassion and mercy served with truth - someone to open my eyes and pull me out of the well, not just stand at the top and pray I'll make it out.

Joseph

With this image, I was reminded of Joseph. Joseph was a dreamer. He heard from God and shared his dreams with his family, however, many of these did not sit well with them. In his first dream, Joseph shares “We were out in the field, tying up bundles of grain. Suddenly my bundle stood up, and your bundles all gathered around and bowed low before mine!” (v. 7). And in his second dream, "the sun, moon, and eleven stars" bow down before Joseph (v. 9). This aggravated his brothers and caused them to feel jealous, and so, they devised a plan to kill him.

Genesis 37:18-22

18 When Joseph’s brothers saw him coming, they recognized him in the distance. As he approached, they made plans to kill him.

19 “Here comes the dreamer!” they said.

20 “Come on, let’s kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns. We can tell our father, ‘A wild animal has eaten him.’ Then we’ll see what becomes of his dreams!”

21 But when Reuben heard of their scheme, he came to Joseph’s rescue. “Let’s not kill him,” he said.

22 “Why should we shed any blood? Let’s just throw him into this empty cistern here in the wilderness. Then he’ll die without our laying a hand on him.”

Just as it is written, the brothers "grabbed him and threw him into the cistern. Now the cistern was empty; there was no water in it." (v. 24). I wonder how Joseph felt at this moment - probably betrayed, fearful and alone. Maybe, he was hopeful that he would get out. Perhaps, he attempted to find ways to escape. Or, did he lie down at one stage feeling hopeless and defeated?

Regardless of how he felt, Joseph was soon rescued - but not as he would have pleased. Joseph was sold into slavery and for many years suffered persecution. However, after all of his suffering, God acknowledged his patient endurance and used him to interpret Pharoah's dreams, which eventually led him to become the ruler of Egypt. And, funnily enough, in the end, his dreams come to fruition and his brothers bow down before him.

What am I getting at here? Well, before now I had no hope amid my circumstances. But now, I see more clearly. Joseph endured many hardships, some of which I have no doubt would have made him feel hopeless and afraid at times. Yet, he remained faithful to God and persevered, and eventually his enemies bowed down before him.

Quite frankly, the enemy can go to hell (oh wait, he's already there)! Though we may not feel it (and I certainly have to convince myself of this one) we have a Saviour who will rescue us and who has already won the battle for us - past tense, it's already done! All He wants is for us to keep pressing on and continue running to Him, even though it feels impossible! God instructed me recently, "Ange, you have to keep writing this post because when you write, you prophesy." Maybe, your rescue is to prophesy your way out of the darkness and to declare that Jesus has already won the victory! Maybe, your rescue is to seek professional help. Or maybe, it is to confide in a friend who will help to pull you out of the pits.

It feels hard, and I'm not even out of it yet. But I'm DONE being the sad friend and this is my turning point moment...and maybe it could be yours too? Let's take a step forward, together.

I'm done with the endless tears and the loneliness, depression, isolation and suffering. I'm ready to be whole again and to get myself back. I break ties with depression and darkness and say no more! You have no hold on me and I declare in Jesus name, that you will not hold me ever again.

I think my enemy might have just bowed down. What about yours?

I'm sorry friend if you have also had to endure deep grief, pain or depression. I'm sorry if you haven't felt understood, or received the support you needed and felt alone in the darkness. I can now say, I get it. Your emotions are valid. But there is hope for us! There is hope in Jesus....we just need to lift our eyes - to shift our inward focus to glance outward and upward. And if I get to Heaven and God says that I went through all of this just so that I could have genuine compassion for a fellow brother or sister who is walking through depression, well, what a privilege that is!

Romans 5:3-4 (NIV)

3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance

4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Climbing Out of The Pit

So, where am I now and what are the steps that I am taking?

1. I reached the end of myself. Sometimes, we have to get to this point to realise and acknowledge that we need help.

2. I confided in a friend. A tough conversation, filled with truth, opened my eyes and led me to accept that I needed to take some practical steps to heal.

3. I made a conscious decision that I wanted to get better and declared this season over. You know the saying; you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

4. I sought professional help by seeing a psychologist. This helped me recognise that my feelings were valid and clarify that it was more than just many struggles - it had turned into a battle with mental health.

5. I implemented and prioritised activities that I love - going to the beach, writing, reading, and immersing myself in nature. But, I asked others to help me to do this (as much of the time it was too difficult alone).

6. I focused on moments of stillness. Prayer, meditation and gratitude - focusing on what I do have, not what I lack.

7. I consciously started to invest in other people again, asking about their lives and reaching out to them, instead of being so inwardly focused.