skip the small talk.

The importance of pursuing more deep, meaningful and transparent relationships. After all, we need them more than we think.

Recently, I went for coffee with a close friend. Once we had ordered and sat down at the table, she asked me the common question, “how are you?”. She looked at me intently, and I could tell by her tone that she was seeking a truthful answer. The instant response of “Yeah, good. What about you?” rose to the forefront of my mind, but as I looked back at her I pushed that response aside.

“This season is really difficult.” I responded. The honest truth. I was really struggling and I wasn’t going to lie about it.

“I’m really sorry, girl. If you are comfortable, tell me more and it’s okay if you want to cry.” She noticed the tears welling up in the corners of my eyes and saw right through me, recognising the immense pain I was harbouring deep inside.

The season I was in seemed to be dragging on for a prolonged period of time. I couldn’t comprehend my emotions, I wasn’t receiving answers regarding my physical health and some days I felt like I was carrying the entire weight of the world on my shoulders. I was running frantically between stages of progression and regression. I was exhausted.

What’s more, is that I felt further from myself than I had ever been. Others know me as a huge ‘people-person’, as I generally seize any opportunity to surround myself with people, regardless of who they are. I love serving others, whether it be through hospitality, relationship, community or opportunities at church almost every spare moment would be quickly filled by fellowship with those around me. Not to toot my own horn, but I had always recognised myself as being outwardly-focused, putting others needs before my own. However, during this period of time, I sought any opportunity to withdraw. When attending social gatherings, I would count down the minutes until I could leave, and then, promptly make my escape. I would also choose to go home over going out with friends, avoid talking to others, and opt to do things on my own. Group-settings were, for the most part, a solid no-go. I became increasingly inward-focused and introverted, spending more time on myself than on others, which initiated feelings of selfishness that frustrated me more. Luckily, I could still handle one-on-one interaction, however, even that remained limited to some of my closest friends.

Part of the reason behind why I struggled to handle group interaction or conversations with acquaintances, was nothing other than small talk. I think, subconsciously, I couldn’t fathom the idea of pretending that I was okay, of just answering with “Yeah, good. What about you?” and pushing aside my true struggles. To put it bluntly, nothing frustrated me more than a pointless, repetitive conversation about my week where my response was the exact same as the last. This might be familiar for you. From what I have observed, unless something out of the ordinary has occurred, it often goes a little like this:

“Hey! How are you? How was your week?”

“Yeah, good. It was long and tiring, but good. What about you?”

“It was nice actually, thanks for asking. What did you get up to?”

“Oh, you know, just work and uni. You?”

And, so on….

This may come across as pessimistic, and you may have never experienced this before. In my experience, I had never thought much of it, until now.

When this friend asked how I truly was, she made room for me to be vulnerable. I knew she wanted to skip the small talk, and I felt safe to do so. This friend and I aren’t necessarily close, but time and again she has intently cared for those around her and demonstrated her trustworthiness and willingness to listen to the whole truth.

Now, I understand that there is most definitely a time and a place for the ‘deep and meaningful conversations, and that they cannot be had with just anyone. But I think that in most circumstances we can uphold this same posture to create safe spaces where others aren’t afraid to be vulnerable.

Small-talk usually symbolises a lack of connection, and it occurs when our fears hold us back from forming deeper connections. For example, fears that we might be judged, ridiculed, or unworthy of relationship with the other person. But by moving to a deeper level, we facilitate room for sharing the meaty, difficulties of life and escaping the chains of shame, isolation and loneliness that come from omitting our true experiences.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.”

- Author and speaker, Brené Brown

When we don’t have opportunities to be vulnerable and speak our challenges into the light, the darkness only grows. We can feel shame for feeling the way we do. No doubt about it, I felt shame for being more inward-focused. However, when I spoke this out and was vulnerable about how I felt, this shame was broken-down with the words of “Of course you’re going to be focusing more on yourself. You need to take care of yourself and prioritise your needs. You can’t give from an empty cup.” What’s more, is that I felt that my struggles were insignificant, especially since much worse things are happening in the world, but my honesty led to the validation of my feelings, to confirm one of the biggest messages God has kept highlighting to me, that “IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY.”

James 5:16

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

We are called to love God and others; the two most important commandments. However, we cannot love others to the full capacity if our relationships remain at surface level, filled with small-talk. Instead, love involves meeting another where they are at, bearing their burdens and offering what we have, even if it is just a listening ear.

Galatians 6:2

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.

John 13:34

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

Not to mention, the incredible thing about the vulnerable conversations is that they are reciprocal. As one person is given the ability to be open and honest, it develops trust and empathy and enables both individuals to share their heart’s truths. Although during this season I may not have had the full capacity to serve others, this friend’s open arms and my truthfulness also allowed her to share her struggles, resulting in both of us carrying each other’s weights, offering prayer, comfort, insight and opportunities for growth.

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” ― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection