princess perception

A rather feminist perspective on how ‘princess culture’ has led me to believe that attaining a man is my sole purpose and motivation. Once I recognised this, I could step more into who I am and shed the harmful layers of the world.

In every fairy tale, there is a princess in need of saving. As they waste away, in a castle of sorts, all they are destined for is a ‘true loves kiss’. Once the prince arrives, their life finally begins.

For example, Ariel sacrifices her voice, family and life under the sea in the pursuit of Prince Eric. Cinderella has to transform into a beautiful princess to be noticed by Prince Charming. Sleeping beauty doesn’t wake up (or begin her life again) until she is kissed by Prince Phillip. And, Rapunzel requires Flynn Rider to save and escort her out of her castle, only then does she experience the fullness of life.

As a young girl, I loved every princess story written. I still do. From Cinderella, to Rapunzel, I would revisit each narrative multiple times, dress up in their magnificent ballgowns, sing their iconic songs and incorporate them in my dollhouse games (the Barbies would consistently fight over Ken’s hand in marriage – it was atrocious). I desired to be exactly like them. All I wanted was to be beautiful, wanted and saved by a handsome prince and have my purpose fulfilled.

It‘s surprising how much ideas such as these carry with children into adulthood. I had never thought about it too heavily, until I recently observed some of my strange behaviours and thought patterns and pondered upon their potential roots.

Ditzy and Clueless

Throughout my life, whenever I have been interested in a guy, I have presented myself in a very inaccurate manner. Now, I am an intelligent woman. This is probably applicable to you, whether you believe it or not, so we’re going to repeat that again. I am (and you are) an intelligent woman. Generally, when speaking to friends I enjoy engaging in meaningful or intellectual conversations about deep and challenging topics. I am often confident in speech, and I don’t have to overthink what I say. But for some weird reason, I found that in the presence of a romantic interest all my intelligence ceases to exist. If my brain hasn’t completely shut down, I act like I have zero awareness of anything as I switch into ‘ditzy’ and ‘clueless’ mode. Like Karen claiming there’s a 30% chance it is already raining. I feel intimidated, and less-than, believing I have to become ‘the perfect woman’ to impress a man. The only problem, is my perception of ‘the perfect woman’, or how to become alike, was rather tainted.

Once I noticed my behaviour, I felt incredibly frustrated. This was not me, but I couldn’t control the switch occurring within my brain. I expressed my annoyance to my best friend, to which she replied “it’s a hero mentality, you believe you need saving”. I do? But why?

Perhaps, it’s the teen rom-coms I grew up watching, where a million ‘blonde’ jokes were thrown around, making girls believe that ‘dumb’, ‘hot’ and ‘popular’ stereotypes are all men like. That a woman had to remain below the status of the love interest, in an entirely submissive and valueless position, which was often portrayed in this manner. Or, maybe it was the damsels in distress who battered their eyelids and fell weightlessly into the arms of a hero. Thus, fostering an understanding that women must be saved and that men must do the saving. That places a lot of responsibility on both men and women – weight that we are not intended to carry alone.

In a 2016 childhood development study, by Sarah Coyne, she found a correlation between stereotypically feminine behaviour and increased engagement with ‘princess culture’ in pre-school aged children. So, maybe I wasn’t crazy after all? Perhaps, this was just engrained in me from a young age. Not to mention, the common phrase that men ‘want to be a hero’. Whilst this isn’t all bad, it highlights the patterns and perceptions of relationships that foster insecurity, unrealistic standards and stereotypes in both women and men.

Yes, according to biblical perspectives men are designed to pursue a woman and hold authority over their spouse, “not by domineering but by cherishing” (Eph. 5:22-24, MSG). They are intended to provide for their wives, in flesh and spirit, and wives should submit. However, the connotations surrounding submission have grown unfavourable. When we hear this word ‘submit’, especially in a feminist society, we believe it is to undertake a position whereby we have zero power, worth or purpose. But that isn’t the case. Instead, to ‘submit’ is to trust, to follow and to support out of love and faithfulness. Marriage is a beautiful desire, which one should not be ashamed to want.

Ephesians 5:21-28 (MSG)

21 Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.

22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

However, getting back on track, my point is rather that marriage isn’t an individual’s sole purpose and shouldn’t steal attention from other critical stages of life and that individuals should not have to reduce themselves or adopt an altered identity to attain this desire or impress an interest.

When Will My Life Begin?

Another myth I have grown up believing is that marriage is my sole purpose. That I am created to wed, bear and nurture children and live a domestic life, and my life will not fully begin until this is fulfilled. Whilst this is most definitely a huge desire and future purpose of mine, it is only part of the purpose God has intended for my life.

With this in mind, I have lived a lot of my life searching for the man God has for me. When instead, I should have been relishing in the beautiful moments that I would only experience once. When this wasn’t fulfilled, it left me feeling unworthy and rejected, and often finding fulfilment in the wrong places. What I couldn’t recognise was God’s perfect timing and the purpose within each season. It wasn’t that God didn’t want to fulfil this desire of mine; it just wasn’t the correct timing. The purpose of growing up was to grow into who God created me to be, and recognise my full identity. After all, to enter into a healthy relationship requires both individuals to be 100% whole. It isn’t 50% + 50% = 100%. No, it is 100% + 100% = 100%. However, we can never reach 100% ourselves, hence why we need Jesus to make us whole and this season of growing to facilitate this. What’s more, is God has gifted this season for me to sew into His purpose for my life, in regards to my career and position of ministry.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-13

A Time for Everything

1For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. 2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. 3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. 4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. 5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. 8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do people really get for all their hard work? 10 I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. 11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. 12 So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. 13 And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.

Only recently, after ending a long relationship (which didn’t work out because I was not whole) and coming back to my faith did I completely understand that this was God’s purpose. He wanted me to become FULLY whole and I had a long way to go.

At the beginning of my single season, I followed my familiar patterns and sought fulfilment in relationships or being pursued by (all the wrong) guys. It was the only way I knew to find worth and value. To feel special and needed. Until, one day, the Holy Spirit changed my heart. Suddenly, I removed myself from the realm of ‘dating’ and solely fixed my eyes on God. This is when the bitter-sweet change began to occur.

As I kept my eyes on Jesus, I grew more like Him. The layers, the lies and the perceptions I had adopted from my surrounding world began to be ripped off and torn down. Allowing my ‘wholeness’ percentage to gradually increase. God pruned me as He removed the areas in which I had placed my worth. Leaving me finding it purely in Him.

During this time, which has now accumulated to 2 years, I have loved every second of my single life. I can finally proclaim that I know who I am, what my purpose is and where my identity and value lie. I am no longer Rapunzel, sitting in my castle waiting for life to start. My life has already begun. I’m living it right now, and I’m living it well. I feel joyful and fulfilled. Now, I think that is a much better position for a relationship to develop from.

Ugly Maid to Beautiful Princess

From an ugly maid, to a beautiful princess, lots of girls grow up believing they have to be transformed by a certain fairy godmother. A myth that suggests that a girl won’t be accepted, noticed or loved, if they are merely themselves.

This perception became very real for me, especially as I entered into high school, where interest in boys was much more evident. From the beginning, I believed I had to put on makeup to feel noticed by guys. Which, as you would know from related blog posts, progressed to fake tan and full coverage ‘cake face’. Complimentary to this, I believed I had to dress a particular way, which wasn’t always flattering, and stay up-to-date with the latest trends. It was draining. It worked and I attracted guys. But they were never the right guys.

As I went through this season of growth, I continued to live according to this myth. Though the fake tan was removed and my makeup lessened, I still dressed purely to impress. I would put so much effort into my appearance, including my clothes and my makeup, feeling defeated when the guy I liked was not there to notice, or just showed no interest.

Only 6 months ago, did I finally recognise that this wasn’t necessary. That the right guy would like me regardless of what I looked like or how much effort I put in. I began attending church and social events with no makeup on, wearing trackies, and feel no shame. I still enjoy getting dressed up and putting on makeup, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. But I find that now it is never with the pure intentions of impressing another and I am not relying upon it to find validation or value.

I do not need to strive for approval, as that is freely given with Christ. I do not have to search to find, as I will receive the blessing when the timing is right. I do not have to change myself, in appearance or personality, because I have been made perfectly by the hands of the Potter.

We are sons and daughters of the Highest, in whom He is well pleased. We are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:41). We have been gifted with purpose and value. We have a good Shepherd. We have all that we need (Psalm 23:1) and more.

It’s quite a dilemma. I love princesses, and even after recognising their messages, I will still show them to my children. Humans love to have something to blame, and maybe that is what I am doing. But, by recognising these messages, I have been able to change my actions and step further into who God has made me to be. I have been able to shed another layer and grow in my wholeness percentage. I can now confidently say that I know where my identity and value lie. And now, I will be able to have open and honest conversations with my children that speak into who they are individually, with God by their side, and protect them from carrying the harmful messages of the world that tell them they are incapable, less-than and destined for a simple life.

At the end of the day, I am a princess. Just not the one you think. I wear garments of bright and clean white, interwoven with the finest gold and crafted from expensive linen and silk. I carry a bouquet of sweet-smelling roses. I am adorned with jewels and I wear a righteous crown upon my head. I am a daughter. I am a wife. I am loved and I am treasured. And my prince, He is the Prince of Peace.