food for thought. literally.

I love consuming food, by myself or with others, at home or elsewhere, you can count that whether its breakfast, lunch or dinner I’ll be there. But what I don’t like, is when food starts consuming me. This is my physical and mental healing journey through disordered eating. Buckle in, it's a long one.

In The Beginning...

Throughout the later years of high school, I grew more aware of what foods I was consuming. As I have shared, I grew more insecure about my changing body and found that restricting what I ate was a simple way to shed off those kilograms that were causing me grief.

It began in small ways, like substituting my lunch for an apple or skipping meals here and there. However, it wasn’t such a ‘big deal’ as I still ate foods that I enjoyed and didn’t restrict ‘what’ I ate. Although, as I skipped meals during the day, I would be much more prone to consuming double dessert in the evening. After all, I was pretty hungry. Especially as a growing teenager.

These patterns fluctuated and I skipped more meals, without recognising it, during my final years of schooling. Breakfast? I convinced myself it made me feel sick, therefore, it was skipped. No brain food for me. Lunch and snacks? “There’s nothing at home, so I’ll either have an apple or get something from the school café.” Dinner? “YES PLEASE, I’m starving!”. Some days as I rehearsed for hours after school in preparation for the senior musical, I made the excuse that “I have no time to eat”. After dancing for sometimes 7 hours straight, with little to no fuel, I would feel faint and exhausted, risking passing out whilst driving home afterwards.

I was extremely oblivious to what I was doing to my body. I was skinny, sitting at my lightest weight of approx. 62kg, but I perceived that as a win. I remember I shared a post on Instagram with some of my close friends, I found photos from roughly a year before and positioned them next to the present photos I had taken. I captioned it “Just thought I’d share some comparison photos from a year ago to now. Lost approximately 16kg and my parents are questioning if I’m ok. Yes, I’m ok I just didn’t like being overweight.” Yeeesh. I have no words. I was filled with vanity and perceived that I was only worthy at my skinniest. However, I carried so much insecurity as I posted this with the agenda of receiving confirmation and validation.

After I graduated school, my body was deprived and hungry. So, it went into ‘give me all the food’ mode, also known as binge eating. I would eat full bags of chips in one sitting, consistently crave junk food and I had no control when it came to eating. I was drinking every weekend, consistently run down and sick, and wasn’t engaging in any form of exercise. I was not honouring my body at all, and it definitely began to show.

I gained back those kilos, sitting at 72kg, and by the beginning of 2020 I was overcome by extreme insecurity to the point that I didn’t want to leave the house. To say I hated myself is an understatement.

Out of this place, I decided to foster healthier habits and get my health back on track. (This journey is explained in more depth in my blog post about toxic environments.) The prescribed meal plans most definitely helped me to develop positive and clean eating habits, especially when it came to eating regularly by consuming 3 meals a day and snacks. However, I failed on my part to ensure that I was well educated and aware of what I was doing to my body. I immediately adopted the advice of someone else, due to their qualifications and knowledge, without researching it myself or seeking further understanding into the safety and implications.

Science Lesson

As my goal was to lose some weight, I was put on a calorie deficit. Now I’m no expert, but to put it simply a calorie deficit is when you consume less than your total daily energy expenditure (TDEE), which refers to the amount of energy you burn throughout the day.

A common misconception is that we burn the most calories through exercise. However, your TDEE includes many more factors, such as:

• physical activity through deliberate exercise (10% of TDEE),

• the thermal effect of food through the chemical reactions instigated by digestion and absorption (10%),

• non-exercise activity thermogenesis (NEAT), such as fidgeting, chores, standing, walking etc. (20%), and,

• basal metabolic rate (BMR), which is the energy you burn at rest whilst sitting, sleeping or resting (60-80%).

We have more control over the first 3 areas; and the amount of output within each of these can be increased by engaging in any form of exercise, eating sufficient food frequently and consuming protein with each meal (as protein requires more energy to digest, thus your body burns more energy breaking it down), and taking the stairs instead of the elevator or doing the chores. Although, I am not suggesting that one should strive to exceedingly increase expenditure in these areas, as with the wrong mindset it can become more harmful to overall health. Especially since as we engage in more activity, we require more energy input. I will discuss my experience with this later on.

Whilst these areas can be somewhat adjusted, your basal metabolic rate (BMR) essentially cannot be deliberately influenced. BMR involves the minimum number of calories required to keep your body functioning at rest, which means what energy is required to keep your organs functioning and you alive. If your energy input is lower than your BMR your body will naturally enter into “starvation mode” to protect its vital organs. When this happens, metabolism (which involves bodily chemical reactions) slows influencing lethargy, loss of unessential functions, and a plateaued weight. The body will physically refuse to lose weight and if it remains in this state for long enough, it will become harder to recover natural metabolism processes.

The amount of energy (in calories) that an individual requires to properly function daily varies based on a number of factors including sex, age, physical activity levels, height, weight and body composition. For me, I am a 19-year-old female who is moderately to very active. Therefore, my BMR to achieve ultimate function at rest is roughly 1500 calories. However, as I am quite active, I require around 2000-2400 calories to best function in my daily activities.

1500

When I began on a calorie deficit, I was encouraged to consume 1567 calories per day and track my eating during ‘phase 1’. Therefore, I was in a deficit of approximately 500 calories, which equates to a whole meal. Calorie deficits definitely have their benefits, however, must be appropriately employed for a specific time period, to achieve explicit and individualised goals. My calorie deficit sat just above my BMR, scraping in as ‘ok’, in my mind. I mean, if my only goal is to keep my body alive. But I didn’t think anything of it back then. For about two weeks, I ate the exact same thing each day which looked like:

Breakfast: one crumpet with peanut butter and raspberry jam, or a banana and mango protein smoothie.

Snack: a single rice cake with honey and banana.

Lunch: a Greek salad with chicken and avocado.

Snack: a single almond and coconut protein ball.

Dinner: turkey mince with hoisin sauce and goats’ cheese in lettuce cups.

I remember being absolutely starving throughout the day and lacking energy. Every night as I took a bite of my meagre dinner, I would instantly feel sick and unsatisfied. My dad watched as my face furrowed in disgust, wondering why I kept putting myself through the same torture every day. He would often offer me some of his dinner, but I refused time and again, believing that I had to maintain the prescribed diet.

Soon after, I was ‘allowed’ to substitute my meals for that containing similar macros. I guess this was ‘phase 2’, but I don’t recall being explicitly told. I found alternatives that I somewhat enjoyed which fit within my calories. However, I never felt fully satisfied, in taste or satiety. Often, I found myself struggling through my 1-hour workout sessions, and would want to frequently crawl up into a ball and fall asleep afterwards. I would have to sit in my car for at least 10 minutes before driving anywhere, in case of passing out from exhaustion. My performance was far below mediocre. Why? Because my body was merely functioning. It wanted to preserve its energy, not expend it. But hey, I was losing weight, right?

Over the next few months, I frequently gave up on prescribed plans as I found them to be unsustainable. But, would feel guilt-tripped by my inner critic or external voices within the environment that led me to recommit to them.

Side-Effects of Prolonged Dieting

Over the next year, I commonly ate the same breakfast and snack foods every day and subconsciously ensured that my calories roughly equated to my previous deficit. As the year progressed, without recognising it I became far more aware of what and how much I was consuming. I developed habits that included scanning menus for meals containing the least number of calories, guilt over eating poorly or not exercising, lacking presence with friends and family as I was preoccupied with thoughts surrounding food or my next workout, increasing my NEAT by doing additional chores or activities and engaging in additional training sessions.

There is nothing wrong with dieting, and it can be extremely helpful in achieving specific goals. Although, when on a diet (including calorie deficits) it is important to take diet breaks to maintain or renew positive psychological processes and enable your body and metabolism to recover and adapt. In my case, I was dieting in a calorie deficit for over a year, hence these areas suffered.

According to the Centre for Clinical Interventions, restricted eating and malnourishment instigates chemical changes within the brain due to inadequate fuel. Thus, resulting in increased depression and anxiety and decreased ability for decision-making, problem-solving and emotional regulation.

Eventually, I developed severe anxiety, loss of efficient brain functions (brain-fog), fatigue and insomnia. In a study conducted by the National Eating Disorders Collaboration they observed common symptoms of semi-starvation. From this list, I experienced:

• Physical: decreased energy, fatigue, headaches, decreased hormone levels, sensitivity to noise and light, loss of strength, hair loss and dry skin.

• Emotional and Cognitive: anxiety, depression, irritability, increased mood fluctuations, intense and negative emotional reactions, decreased enthusiasm, reduced motivation, impaired concentration, reduced alertness, increased rigidity and obsessional thinking.

• Attitudes and behaviours related to food: thinking about food all the time, eating very slow or very fast, increased hunger, unusual food routines and rituals, binge eating, increased use of condiments for flavour.

• Social: increased judgement of others, withdrawn or isolated, loss of sense of humour, feelings of social inadequacy.

Furthermore, both my digestive and immune systems began to demonstrate insufficient function, which meant that I experienced increased discomfort and inflammation and became more susceptible to sickness. Not to mention, along with these systems, my reproductive system was pushed to the back burner as my body prioritised the function of my critical organs, meaning that I developed hypothalamic amenorrhea, or an absent period due to stress, overexercising or undereating. I possessed body dysmorphia and genuinely failed to see myself as I was when looking in the mirror, consistently thinking that I was overweight or recognising false imperfections.

As these changes began to become apparent, I saw a psychologist and GP more regularly, as well as, began seeing a naturopath. My GP prescribed me medication to improve my sleep and cure my acne influenced by hormonal imbalance, stress and anxiety. My naturopath provided me with natural supplements and lifestyle changes to ease my anxiety, hormones and brain fog. After seeing my psychologist, I decided to change the environment I was in. When I did, I began to become more educated regarding how to properly take care of my body, including fuelling it sufficiently. I wasn’t merely taking on the knowledge and opinions of others; I was seeking knowledge on the ‘why’ and ‘how’ behind various actions and causes. I believed I was finally healing, and developing healthier attitudes and perceptions around eating and exercise. And, I definitely was by focusing on fuelling for performance and improving my skill each week.

Whilst I was improving, I remained vulnerable to falling back into old thought-patterns and restrictive eating. Therefore, my next decision wasn’t a wise one.

“Healthy” Habits and Fear Foods

My gym announced a 12-week challenge, to form health and lifestyle improving habits. The focus of the challenge was positive, and I emphasised that this was my motivation. However, in the back of my mind my sheer motivation was to lose more weight, grow stronger and perhaps gain some more defined abs. So, I went back onto meal plans, counting calories, and additional training sessions.

I began tracking every single thing I consumed, down to lettuce. Often, entering more than I was actually eating to ensure that I didn’t exceed my macros each day. On top of this, to further improve my digestion, my naturopath requested that I went on an elimination diet that involved cutting out all gluten, dairy and refined sugars. It was perfect timing. I was going to get so fit!

At the beginning, it was stressful and overwhelming. When I went out for meals with family and friends, I searched the menu for the healthiest, low calorie option that was gluten, dairy AND refined sugar free, which involved asking the waiter a ton of anxiety-inducing questions. And what I found? Nothing, except a measly, bland meal that definitely didn’t satisfy. Meanwhile, over the table I was met with others who ordered what they wanted. What I wanted.

My naturopath mentioned that we would “start (the elimination diet) for two weeks”, but all I heard was “two weeks”.Two weeks, that’s not so bad, it will be over before I know it. Two weeks later, I walked into her consultation room with hope. I had planned on going out for lunch with my family afterwards, and I entered anticipating my scrumptious order of smashed avocado that I had been holding out for. So, when I was told “another four weeks”, devastation overcame me.

To make matters worse, on the way to lunch my sister called me with exciting news. “We’re getting your favourite pies for dinner!”. Instantly, tears began streaming from within and settling on my cheeks in intervals for the remainder of the afternoon. My mum came over to console me, witnessing the frustration, anger and sadness that filled me. “You’re being too hard on yourself. That’s a lot of change to suddenly adjust to.” She was right. I had suddenly employed so much change within a valued area of my life. I LOVE food! But it started to become more of a burden than a blessing.

As I calmed down, she offered me the advice that I just begin small. “Cut out gluten and once you feel confident, remove dairy and then refined sugars.”

Over the next few weeks, I focused purely on cutting out gluten. Whilst it was still an adjustment, it was much more manageable. I continued with my challenge at the gym, feeling stronger and healthier with every week. As I became more of a pro at the gluten-free diet, I removed dairy and refined-sugars. I saw and felt a noticeable difference, especially with bloating, lethargy and stomach upsets. Which made me question, am I gluten- and dairy-intolerant?

My mind was consistently occupied with the thoughts of food. I spent so much time tracking calories and mentally preparing my next meal.

24.5.21

“I’m struggling to surrender to God, to give up control. I’m exhausted. But I feel like I just don’t know how to give it up. What I eat. My exercise…I’m juggling all of it. I can tell that I’m not in a healthy place either by my heart posture. I’m struggling to bring myself before God and believe what He says about me.

I entered my following naturopath appointment with a more realistic expectations, however I still held hope in the back of my mind. Which meant that when I heard the words “we will continue for another 6 weeks”, I wasn’t so disappointed.

To fast forward, the elimination diet continued for over 12 weeks. Within that time, due to the challenge and my dietary changes, I lost weight, felt healthier, became stronger and grew more confidence. My body was thriving. But my mind, not so much.

5.7.21

“This morning, I realised that I have a fear that if I surrender the gym and diet over to God then He will take it away completely. Which means I don’t trust Him with this aspect. I have made myself believe that because it is influencing bad things, then it must be bad altogether. But it’s not, it’s a good thing. What’s bad is the desires, intentions and thought patterns behind it and that’s what God wants to heal.”

I had developed pathways in my mind, that made me truly believe that food was the enemy. As I look back at the app, I can recognise the gradual process as I reduced my frequent tracking of calories. As some days display a full food-record, some only a few meals or snacks, and some nothing at all. This is how it often goes when we struggle to maintain control, a constant process of give and take, push and pull. Until we finally just surrender, realising that control is unsustainable, as I did on the 30th of July, when I stopped physically tracking my calories.

When the naturopath told me that I could begin “exploring those foods again”, I was excited, but wasn’t met with any desire to enjoy a meal that I had been longing for. Instead, I was filled with fear and believed it necessary to keep my distance from the foods I had eliminated.

1.8.21

“I saw the Naturopath yesterday. On the way I prayed that my health wouldn’t control me so much anymore and that it wouldn’t cost so much. And she finally said I could ease off my diet, didn’t give me any new supplements and said see you in 8 weeks! Yeeha!”

Over the next 3-4 weeks, I attempted to revert to my prior eating habits of gluten, dairy and sugar. Though it sounded simple, my mind didn’t like the idea of ‘food-freedom’. I was scared of dairy and sugar and had developed a legitimate fear of gluten. Though I had stopped tracking physically, after doing it for so long I had grown the ability to mentally count average calories. What’s more is after restricting myself for a prolonged period of time, I was unaware of my bodies hunger signals and feelings of satiety. Therefore, I was always feeling either undernourished and hungry, or weighty, full and bloated. This is common in the restrict-binge cycle. For a while, my hobby had become looking at images and videos of food on social media. Even if I couldn’t eat it, I could appreciate it. My period remained absent, and I knew that I had to exercise less and eat more, in amount and range, to recover it. The fear of gaining weight, not being acceptable, beautiful or wanted consumed me, I didn’t want to do what I had to do.

Matthew 6:25-27 NLT

That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life – whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

8.8.21

“I haven’t had my period now for about 6 months. ARGH! I’m filled with so much darkness, anger, frustration, sadness. That’s not me!!! I don’t feel deserving of God’s love. I know what I have to do to get my period back, but I’m too scared.”

As I cried out to God in frustration, I received an image that provided me with hope and a promise of freedom.

5.8.21

“I was looking into a mirror and just saw myself as I am, humbly, no flaws, no perfections. Then Jesus stood behind me, looked in the mirror and said “daughter, in whom I am well pleased.”

Job 19-22 NLT

Or God disciplines people with pain on their sickbeds, with ceaseless aching in their bones. They lose their appetite for even the most delicious food. Their flesh wastes away, and their bones stick out. They are at death’s door; the angels of death wait for them.

And so, another process of progression and regression began. Where God taught me to surrender and trust His purpose and intention amidst my suffering. It involved consistent surrender and taking every thought captive. The most amazing thing about God is that He is gentle, patient and kind, so even when I didn’t want to, the Holy Spirit would whisper “it’s okay my child”. Baby steps.

11.8.21

“I have been SO bloated this week. It’s been hard because I’ve had to discipline myself by not turning to undereating or exercise. I know God is trying to rip off that fear. To renew my mind.”

13.8.21

“I’m trying not to exercise and eating normally. I’m bloated, I can feel it in my belly and my legs. I can notice every imperfection. I don’t feel good.”

16.8.21

“I’ve stopped restricting food and not turned to exercise to fulfil my feeling of inadequacy. I’ve definitely gained a tad bit of weight. But that doesn’t matter, there is SO much more to me than that.”

14.9.21

“Not having the greatest day today. Bit of an insecure day. I feel big, bloated and my legs feel huge. I just need to be okay with it. I keep going to ‘punish’ myself by not eating but I refrain from doing that which is a step.”

Eventually, it was time to reintroduce my fear-foods. Unfortunately, as I hadn’t consumed them in so long, they caused greater upset to my digestion than they had previously. Meaning, that when I ate these foods, particularly gluten, I would feel much worse. I faced the possibility that I would never be able to enjoy these foods again. This induced more fear about being a burden to others, when eating out or having food prepared for me, having to spend more on alternate food items and much more.

7.9.21

“I am so sick of being unable to eat what I want to eat. I just feel like an absolute burden to others, I feel like I miss out and disappoint.”

Healing and Food Freedom

God placed it on my heart to begin praying for my health more frequently. As I struggled to navigate recovery in my own strength, He reminded me to keep my eyes on Him, reassuring me that He would do the work and I wouldn’t have to lift a finger. He saw and felt my pain and as I began to lift my requests to Him and listen to His voice, He worked more powerfully than ever.

Philippians 4:8 NLT And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honourable, and right, and pure and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Matthew 6:33 NLT

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

17.9.21

“I GOT MY PERIOD BACK TODAY! HALLELUJAH! PRAISE JESUS! Only 156 days later! Definitely an answer to prayer. And I didn’t even need to do anything – just be still and trust and be obedient.”

It was a miracle. I didn’t have to do anything, except rest in Him. The next week, my sensitivity to foods increased causing it to become incredibly uncomfortable to eat anything, even GF, DF and RSF alternatives. And less than a week later, something even more miraculous happened:

20.9.21

“WOW! I feel like I literally have no words. This day has been incredible! Wow! This week has been amazing. God is showing up EVERYWHERE!

This morning, we had a prayer group and I felt to get prayer about my digestive system/gut, as for the past week I have had severe bloating, discomfort, pain and gas. Even when I ate normal GF, DF, RFS foods! It was unbearable. As I spoke, one of the girls interrupted and asked if she could pray. As she did – we just knew that the Holy Spirit was so present. Another girl then prayed, she prayed “peace be still” and “even when it hurts” (songs) over me and said she saw the Holy Spirit breathing life into me/for me. Later on, the first girl who prayed sent me a message, it read:

Hey Ang. Just wanted to let you know that when peace be still was on, I was speaking in tongues and felt (yes, I know that’s weird) the Spirit of God filling you like a rush of wind. My Spirit was praying over the knots in your stomach and I saw your stomach bloom like a water lily. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Anyway, I was filled with SO much joy today. And I ate gluten! And dairy! And sugar! Toast, Greek yoghurt, lemon meringue, and plain flour in choc pudding! And guess what! I have had NO bloating or discomfort. PRAISE JESUS! Of course, my mind doubts – searching for another reason that makes more sense and tells me to “just give it a few days”. But, NO! I truly believe I am healed. In period and diet. My two biggest worries and fears. And I didn’t have to strive, apply a strategy, listen to professionals, I didn’t have to lift a finger! That’s how good He is! He cares SO DEEPLY for His children. Victory against the enemy is HIS! Always and forever.”

During it I felt God whisper “I want to heal you, you just need to be still and let me.”

Later I found out that the first girl who prayed mentioned to another girl beforehand that “Ange is going to be healed today.”

Psalms 30:2 NLT O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you restored my health.

Instantly, I stepped out in faith and was equipped with the confidence to eat frightening foods. Why? I knew that because my life was found in Jesus, His victory belongs to me too. Following week, I kept a record of what I ate and whenever I look back on it, I am astounded at the healing that has taken place not only in my body, but in my mind too.

In the same week, my best friend was cooking pasta for dinner. She grabbed both the buckwheat and plain pasta from the pantry, and before she placed them on the bench, I proclaimed “it’s okay, just cook the plain pasta”. Her jaw dropped to the floor in shock, as she witnessed the transformation that had occurred. When the weekend came around, her and I decided to order in from our favourite Italian restaurant. After we had picked up the order and were heading home, she questioned, “did you get it on a gluten-free base?”, to which I answered “no, just normal.” She squealed in delight, “Ange, I can’t believe it! This is incredible!”. As soon as I took a bite, I was overcome with pure joy and satisfaction. My tastebuds jumped up and down in excitement and I let out a loud groan. I savoured the moment in which I felt completely free from fear, guilt and shame. My body didn’t react or my mind didn’t karate chop the food from my hand, and finally, I felt completely satiated.

I am still endeavouring this journey and I would be lying if I said I had completely overcome these negative thoughts. Now, tracking calories or being in a calorie deficit isn’t bad, neither is eating GF, DF and RSF. In fact, I prefer eating most alternate foods now. However, what can contribute to it becoming bad, is the intentions and thought-patterns behind these habits. Throughout this experience, I thought what I was doing was “healthy”. And, whilst lots of it was, my perception made it very unhealthy.

Therefore, I leave you with this advice:

1. Before applying major changes within important areas of your life, seek wisdom and knowledge. Firstly, pray about the decision, seeking Heavenly guidance and wisdom. After all, God knows you better than you know yourself. Once you have done this, get educated in the specific area through research, discussion with professionals and trusted friends. The most important thing is to not walk blind sightedly into situations, that cause us to stoop down into copying behaviours and customs of this world (Romans 12:2).

2. Ensure that you remain aware of your intentions. This may involve journeying inward to understand our heart posture before God (Psalm 139:23-24). Is your heart seeking validation from the world and others? If so, this probably isn’t the best decision. Is your heart focused on God and looking after your body as a temple of the Holy Spirit? If so, this decision may be okay. Although it may be scary, it is important to remember that Jesus is gentle and kind when correcting and rebuking (Matthew 11:29).

3. Take every thought captive and make it obey Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). It’s as simple as that. Take note of every thought that enters into your mind. Is it a fruitful thought? If not, it is probably from the enemy. Those are the ones we want to get rid of immediately, and realign with God’s truth. To break down and overcome. Do not dwell on these empty thoughts.

4. If you are dieting, remember to refuel your body, soul and spirit. The 80/20 rule is a great one to follow. It involves eating well or exercising 80% of the time and seeking rest 20% of the time. Eat foods that bring you comfort and joy, take rest days and diet breaks. God didn’t intend for us to strive and work 100% of the time. Instead, He gifted us the sabbath to renew, recharge and realign our hearts and minds towards Him. Take this gift with open hands and delight in regular rest.

Fear doesn’t rule over me now. Food is a good gift from God, intended to be enjoyed to sustain us and allow us to have fellowship with others. I know I can enjoy a meal with friends, order what I want on the menu and save some dollars on food. Every time I doubt, or feel fear creep back in I can remind myself “I am healed” and can be reassured that victory is His. I can look in the mirror and imagine Jesus standing behind me, lovingly proclaiming “daughter in whom I am well pleased.”

Ecclesiastes 3:13 NLT

And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labour, for these are gifts from God.

Genesis 1:29 NLT

Then God said, “Look! I have given you every seed-bearing plant throughout the earth and all the fruit trees for your food.