toxic; very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.

Sometimes it's challenging to recognise toxicity in our lives, especially when it appears healthy or beneficial. This is what happened in my life, and here is how I learned to recognise it and win my freedom back.

The slow, painful death

When something contains toxic or poisonous properties its level of danger can range from slightly to highly toxic. Some poisons work exceptionally rapidly, whereas others may possess a slow and gradual effect. If you imagined inhaling or consuming poison (not a very nice thing to imagine, I know, but bear with me), you would more promptly notice a poison with rapid-working properties. This might be because the air would be noticeably different, or whatever you were consuming would possess an odd taste. Although it may cause the same amount of damage, quickly noticing the toxicity would enable you to escape almost instantly and possibly seek help before the effect worsens. However, if something worked much slower and was administered in smaller doses, it would be much more difficult to recognise. What you were consuming might taste the exact same, and the air that you breathed may appear to be unaffected. However, the same damage is still occurring within. When you fail to notice this, you can't seek the help required. You become more exposed and vulnerable, and your body and mind begin to decay until one day, you are suddenly so damaged without any knowledge of how it occurred. This is what makes me think that the latter toxicity is much more detrimental. As we know, our environments can contain these same levels of toxicity. They may be highly toxic yet easily recognisable; perhaps containing physically harmful actions and words or displaying a clear image of unhealthy and negative influence. Or, they might be much more passive; appearing completely healthy by offering a false sense of belonging, support, and love. When in reality, the environment is manipulating every inch of your being, pervading every thought, and heavily controlling you without your knowledge. Now, before I begin, I want to highlight that when I say 'environment', I am not referring to the people in that environment. Instead, I am alluding to the structures, values, cultures and relationships that collectively form the surroundings and influence an individual. Yes, people heavily contribute to the culture of an environment, but in this case, it is not my focus.

A Healthy Decision

At the beginning of 2020, I joined a community to regain my health from a place of severe insecurity. I wasn't leaving the house, I was trying to cover up my body with the baggiest of clothes, I hated looking in the mirror, and I was eating my feelings. I remember one specific night; I was at my best friend's house and a few of our girlfriends had spontaneously invited us to go out. My best friend was enthusiastic about the idea, instantly saying, "Let's do it! It will be fun!". Being the extrovert, I am, I agreed to the idea. "Yeah, this will be fun", I thought to myself. But, as I began getting ready, this thought quickly changed. I threw on outfit, after outfit, and after looking in the mirror each time, I was overcome by a more immense feeling of defeat. Once I had cycled through all of the clothes in my bag, my best friend began to hand me alternative outfits from her closet. As I hopefully took them from her hand, I thought, "surely, one of these will look alright." Nope, too tight. Nope, that shows my pudgy stomach. Nope, that reveals my 'almost transparent skin'. Nope. Nope. Nope. Until eventually, the tears began rolling down my cheeks. "I don't want to go", I whimpered, "nothing fits. I hate myself." She wrapped her arms around me, in her comforting and loving way, "I'm sorry I pushed you to go" she mentioned. As I sobbed in her arms, she continued, "I didn't know that you felt this way. You are beautiful, Ange." But the words couldn't stick. They were like two of the same magnets. I couldn't see myself the way she did. I had seen this groups’ results and heard many praises from friends. So, I looked into it, set up a consultation, and decided to start my journey. They looked at my body type, background, fitness and energy levels, and response to foods and tailored an approach specifically to me. It was awesome! Their approach was to push me beyond my limits, with intense exercise and a strict, yet healthy diet. As soon as I began, I loved it. Every week I felt stronger, healthier and fitter and could visually and physically recognised my progress. It became a talking point for me amongst friends and colleagues, which made me feel impressive, or like I was doing something right. It began as a healthy habit; I attended the gym at least twice a week and implemented healthy eating habits, but didn't overly restrict myself. When COVID-19 hit, and the gyms closed, I stayed active by doing home workouts and going for long walks. I was finally beginning to feel healthy again. However, as it continued, I found it challenging to maintain, so I loosened the reigns on my eating and fitness habits. Soon, I began noticing every imperfection again.

As the restrictions eased and we were permitted to exercise outdoors, I jumped at the opportunity. I increased my regularity only slightly, and after hearing comments of "if you want to see the results, you need to follow your meal plan", I returned to my prior eating habits. I had found a good balance, was growing holistically in other areas, and was beginning to genuinely enjoy the journey.

My Ignorance

However, God saw it differently. I was heading to the park for my workout one Wednesday morning, but as I pulled up, I felt this strong urge in my spirit, telling me, "this isn't the place for you.” It was difficult to ignore, but I fought it with arguments of "I can change the community”, “I can make a difference”, “it's good for me to practice self-discipline”, and “it's probably just my thoughts." I was ignorant and stubborn to what was God's Spirit urging me out, and from here, it only got worse.

Showing Symptoms

Soon enough, gyms re-opened, and my fitness community changed locations. Amongst this change, I moved out of home and was forced to adapt to a new and unfamiliar environment as I experienced change to my schedule, responsibilities, jobs, finances and daily habits. Life became busier, much more stressful, and I struggled to connect with God as I did in my prior environment. But no matter how busy I was, one thing that I had to maintain was my fitness regime. I saw it as perhaps the one thing I could control in my new, hectic schedule. Surely enough, I made time for it. In fact, too much time. I gradually increased my weekly gym attendance, until I was pushing myself to train six days a week. Not to mention, on top of that, I would seek every chance I could to be active by taking the dog for a walk, doing a home workout, or going for a run. Some days I dreaded going, as my body was tired and I didn't feel up to being pushed as hard as I always was. Still, if I missed a day, I would be overcome with guilt, believing that my progress would disappear overnight. So, I ignored my body. I was overtraining, and I still felt like I wasn't doing enough. I became stricter with my diet, counting calories, and only eating foods prescribed to me in my nutrition plan. However, this proved challenging while trying to maintain a social life. I would regularly go out for a meal with friends, but now I felt that same guilt for enjoying a meal with the people I love. Leading me to scan each menu to select the meal with the lowest calories or eat at home before going out. Some days, those thoughts would cross my mind again, "just replace your lunch with an apple, after all, you did get takeout last night" or "you should skip a meal today, especially after you missed training." After experiencing the damage of these thoughts in the past, I knew that I couldn't surrender to them. I knew the importance of nourishing myself (with what was prescribed on my plan) and that depriving myself of food was ineffective and harmful. So, my solution entailed more training. My guilt in these moments grew as joking comments like "where have you been all week you slacker?" or "you're going to have to work really hard to burn off that insta breakfast you had yesterday" swirled around in my mind. I would get told, "I look so skinny!", that I had "lost so much weight" or that "I had a really great figure." While these were nice to hear, they became a craving and a constant thought that fuelled my mind.

I sacrificed outings with friends, became frustrated if anyone interfered with my gym schedule, and when anyone suggested that I "was doing too much" or I should "limit the time I spend at the gym" I would feel infuriated. All of these emotions were not typically experienced by me, which only made me more frustrated. I did not feel like myself at all. The people closest to me recognised what was happening. One night, I was out for dinner with my mum and she just looked at me and said, "You look absolutely exhausted. I've never, in your whole life, seen you look this tired." I was exhausted, but I just couldn't let go of the reigns. This healthy habit had become an idol and I was its slave.

“How did I get here?”

The emotions and exhaustion that I was experiencing magnified my insecurity and limited my self-worth. I was crying every day, with severe anxiety and inability to focus. Finally, I stopped and looked around with the question of "how did I get here?" There it is, the moment when I began to recognise that the air was denser and that what I was consuming didn't taste normal. I was allowing the poison from this environment to enter my body. I was absolutely vulnerable and weak. I saw a psychologist to make sense of the position I was in. As I entered into the appointment, I was convinced that something else was the problem, thinking "It can't be insecurity. God and I already addressed that." But when I started processing, I realised that we hadn't wholly addressed the deeply rooted insecurities, which had been amplified by the environment I had put myself in. I found myself defending it, and it sounded a little like this:

"And, what is the fear if you leave?"

"That I won't find somewhere that has as intense workouts."

"When you say intense what do you mean?"

"Well...I burn heaps of calories."

"Are the calories all it's about?"

"No! It's a challenge, and I love a good challenge."

"But the calories are about wanting to look a certain way, to be accepted by others?"

"Yeah, I guess so." In the beginning, this had appeared to be a really healthy habit, decision, and environment. But, going into it from a position of insecurity made me more vulnerable to being influenced by the environment around me and the attitudes and actions it promoted. Hence, why it wasn’t healthy for me. Instead of filling the dark hole of insecurity with God's truth of who He says I am, which is fearfully and wonderfully made, I filled it with the means that would get me a perfectly flat stomach. Bit by bit, it controlled me until it eventually became an idol that was no longer serving me. Instead, I was serving it. Typical enemy tricks - making something look healthy and appealing when instead it's deadly. What I love about this timeline of events is God's ironic timing. That very day I met with the psychologist, when I finally realised the effects of this particular environment, my membership ended. God just had to hold a massive sign in front of my face for me to finally get the message. So, it was either renew it for another period or take back my freedom. And, take back my freedom, I did. But it wasn't easy.

The following week, with no gym to attend, I wasn't exercising as regularly and could feel the effects. I was bloated, my legs felt big, I could feel every calorie I consumed. When I looked in the mirror, I would notice every imperfection. If I ran my fingers over my skin, I could feel every indent and bit of fat or cellulite. I fixated on it and these thoughts became pervasive and intrusive, making the place I was in even harder. Then, one night at church, the words of 'canvas and clay' spoke measures. Here I'll let my journal tell the story:

14.3.21 "God spoke tonight. Or, shall I say whispered. As we sung the words of 'canvas and clay' everything that I am experiencing started to make sense."

'When I doubt it, Lord, remind me, I'm wonderfully made. You're an artist and a potter. I'm the canvas and the clay. You make all things work together, For my future and for my good. You make all things work together, For Your glory and for Your name. There's a healing light, Just beyond the clouds. Though I've walked through fire, I see clearly now. I know nothing has been wasted, No failure or mistake. You're an artist and a potter. I'm the canvas and the clay.'

"Then, I recalled what a close friend had prophesied over me last year. That she heard God saying that my life was like a tapestry where some threads are missing, to be filled in later. Then, someone on the band apologised to God, saying 'I'm sorry for when I don't think I'm worthy. I'm sorry for doubting your creation.' Then, someone else said that they felt like someone in the room felt like a fraud, like they might fall back into old patterns, and aren't satisfied about where they are now. But God sees the past, present, and future and He's going to do something amazing. This solidified that God is bringing my identity issues to the surface, to heal them and help me to grow into the strong confidence woman He has called me to be."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puDttOmbq2Y

Reshaping my Identity

So here I was, and still am, reshaping my attitudes towards health, and more specifically, facing the questions of who am I and where do I find my value, yet again. And, here is how I have approached it so far: 1. Removing Myself from the Toxic Environment The initial step is always the hardest, isn't it? The enemy was convincing me that I would never find a gym the same, that I would never get a workout at the same intensity, and I wouldn't enjoy the structure of other environments. Thus, instilling the fear that I would grow fat, unfit, and ultimately unlovable if I left. But, with God's guidance and clear indicators that He wanted me to move on, I left. After many unsuccessful gym trials, I sought out a friend of mine and, soon after, trialled her gym. As soon as I walked in, I was welcomed, accepted, valued, and supported, which continued throughout the session. They remembered my name, encouraged me, and followed up to check how I was between sessions. The workouts provided a good level of challenge, but I left them feeling healthy, strong, revitalised, and accomplished, instead of defeated or obsessing about calories. Since then, my attitude has started to shift from calories to taking care of the body that God has gifted to me.

1 Corinthians 10:13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

2. Declaring Who God Says I Am I decided to change my regular devotions by reading 'More Power to You' by Margaret Fienberg. If you haven't already, you must get your hands on this book. It is filled with daily declarations rooted in Scripture that aim to defeat the enemy's common lies. Through speaking God's ultimate truth over myself every day, the enemy's lies were quickly broken down. I began to recognise the lies that I had been believing and reshaping how I think about myself to align with God's knowledge of who I am.

John 8:32 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

3. Thanking God for the Body He Has Given Me I've always hated my legs; no matter whether someone told me "you're just strong" or "it's muscle", I couldn't see past the imperfections. I would moan and groan, "ugh, why do I have to have big legs", doubting God's creation. However, it was essential to begin thanking God for how He has so intricately designed me. "God, I thank you that these legs help me to run freely and dance passionately, I thank you that my arms allow me to embrace others, I thank you that my belly has been blessed with food today." I wasn’t created to have a thigh gap, and that is okay. I am learning to love my body as it is and for how it functions, even on what I like to call, 'bloat day'.

Psalm 139:14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvellous—how well I know it.

4. Changing the Way I Think Since I had so easily changed my thoughts to fit into the culture that surrounded me, I had hardwired unhealthy patterns in my mind. Whenever I exercised or ate, I fixated on the calories and I was never present as I was consistently contemplating my next work out. So, I had to reform the way I viewed exercise, changing my attitude from "I need to burn as many calories as I can", to "I want to challenge myself because I love exercise, to feel healthy and to take care of the body God has given me." Then, I had to view food as a tool to grow and nourish my body, which involves eating for the soul, as well as, an opportunity to connect with friends and loved ones in community around the table.

Romans 12:2 So, here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognise what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

A Breath of Fresh Air

Suddenly, the air around me begins to feel lighter. I take in a long, deep breath that fills my lungs up like a balloon, and then I let go. Peace and joy overcome me. I can finally think straight and I can see clearer than before. I am happy as I am. In fact, I am beyond grateful.