running, yet remaining

A poem about the deep desire to escape the pain of love, loss and the healing process of grief, and the longing to run to a place free from sorrow and heartache.

I want to run,

Somewhere,

Wherever,

My feet can take me.

 

Away from this place;

This place of healing.

 

Where my heart falls apart

Before piecing back together.

Where I take one step forward,

And ten steps back.

 

I want to run,

Away from human fragility,

And the consequences of love.

 

To love is to pay a price,

And put your heart up for sale.

It’s a high cost,

But it’s also free.

 

To love,

Is to open yourself up,

To take a risk,

To take a chance,

And hope not to hurt.

 

But no one tells you,

that to love,

Is to open yourself up,

to pain.

 

To love is to ache,

To sacrifice and sorrow,

To disappoint and be disappointed.

Love is vulnerable.

 

I want to run,

Run away from this tethered,

And weathered heart.

Away from the poison of pain,

And the consequences,

Of lost love.

 

To run from my fragile mind,

And broken dreams.

That ventured to find love long-lasting.

Only to encounter,

Monsters that lie and betray.

 

To run,

From the truth,

That love hurts.

And from the proof,

That grief suffocates your soul -

sneaks like a thief,

Stealing all emotional control.

 

To run,

From the Surgeon,

who has my life laid out on the table.

Poking and prodding,

Making my heart beat stable.

 

To run,

From the leaking tap,

That pours out memories of my loved one,

Mixed with saltwater tears.

 

I want to run,

From the need to accept,

That we live in a world of pain,

Disappointment and loss.

Where we learn to refrain,

From paying the cost.

 

Grief exposes,

The alarming fairytale.

That Prince Charming,

Will dovetail down,

to rescue you.

 

It shines light,

On the fact,

That Prince Charming,

Is not like that.

 

I want to run,

Away from my healing,

And my raw heart.

 

I want to run myself into the ground.

Melt like wax,

seep into the cracks,

and hide in the soil.

Away from the terror above,

And the difficulty of love.

 

I want to run,

Until I don’t feel,

So deeply,

Anymore.

 

I want to run,

Until I can escape,

This grief and this heart ache.

This horrible silence,

And loud reminder,

That he left.

 

I want to run far away,

To a Kingdom that’s free.

Where the darkness of yesterday,

Will stop chasing after me.

 

To a kingdom,

Where you’re never abandoned.

Always wanted, ever loved, and,

forever treasured.

 

I hop on the treadmill –

The only way,

I can run away.

 

My illusion,

where I can run,

And run,

And run for miles.

 

Where I can escape,

take in the landscape,

For a second.

 

Where I can travel,

Great distances.

Across the ‘gravel’,

Away from witnesses.

 

Where I can run.

Journey far.

Too bad,

I remain,

Stationary.

---

Job 3:20-26

“Why is light given to those in misery,

and life to the bitter of soul,

to those who long for death that does not come,

who search for it more than for hidden treasure,

who are filled with gladness

and rejoice when they reach the grave?

Why is life given to a man

whose way is hidden,

whom God has hedged in?

For sighing has become my daily food;

my groans pour out like water.

What I feared has come upon me; 

what I dreaded has happened to me.

I have no peace, no quietness; 

I have no rest, but only turmoil.”